Running with Bubbles

Half-marathon training
Week nineteen, day four

Have you ever felt like a fraud? Not like a Bernie Madoff fraud (although if you stole millions of dollars from people in a Ponzi scheme, you are definitely on Santa’s naughty list). No, I mean the feeling that at any moment, everyone will discover that you do not belong and you have been faking it.

I’ve mentioned before how much I loved law school, and how getting into Yale was all I had ever wanted throughout college. But after I graduated from A&M, I started to worry about it. By the time I got on the plane to New Haven, I was convinced that I would show up and they would tell me they had sent the wrong letter. Or that within the first week of classes, my professors would sigh at my questions and my (much more brilliant) classmates would whisper behind their hands, “what’s she doing here?”

Wednesday night at the Jingle Bell Run, I had the worst run I have had in a year. I don’t know if it was the weather, the charley horse, or just a fluke but I stumbled across the finish line five full minutes slower than my Turkey Trot time and feeling like I couldn’t take another step. Yesterday, I got an email from Disney reminding me that the race is three weeks from today. I freaked out. By the time we left Sibi’s going away party last night, I was teary-eyed, telling Tony, “I can’t do it. What was I thinking? Everyone has supported me and is counting on me and there’s no way I can run a half-marathon!” His logical and sweet answers did nothing to dispel my fear. You can’t outlogic or outlove that little voice that tells you you’re really not good enough. I had 13 miles on my schedule today and I just knew I probably couldn’t even run 5.

My Yale degree is currently in my garage, and in the 20 years I’ve had it, no one has come to take it back. And when I got to the lake this morning, Mark was there to run the loop with me. Okay, I’ll try to do nine, but I’m still thinking there’s no way. But I did do 9. And then I decided to run 2 more with Mark. I didn’t do 13…but I did 11. And that was good enough, because it was good enough to shut up that stupid voice. And three weeks from now, when I’m holding my finisher’s medal, I’ll know that the only person who ever doubted me, was me…and that I was wrong.

Half-marathon training
Week nineteen, day two

Four miles on the trail again today. My legs felt like they weighed 1000 pounds each – it’s been a while since I ran in 70 degree weather! But on the plus side, I got to run with a couple of my fellow Disney chicks Amanda  and Stefani and we had a pretty good time.

Also, Coach Rick bought two football squares from me so now I only have 29 more to sell in the next four days! Have you bought yours yet? 🙂

Half-marathon training
Week nineteen, day one

Something kind of weird happened yesterday. I hadn’t run since last Tuesday for one reason or another. Yesterday morning I woke up with a bloom of anxiety in my stomach for no good reason, and suddenly thought, “I wish I had gotten up early enough to run before work.”

Nah, I had plenty of time to run my four miles after work, so what difference did it make? “I would feel better if I could go run right now,” my brain said. I was antsy and grouchy all day yesterday and when I finally made it to the trail, I didn’t even wait to get up there – I started running on my first step out of the car.

Physically it wasn’t my best run – there was a dampness in the air that bothered my knees, and I jackrabbited the start so much that I had to pull the pace way back in mile three, but mentally? Equilibrium restored. Anxiety and grouchiness averted. World back on its axis. Who knew?

Half-marathon training
Week eighteen, day three

Two miles on the schedule today. I’ve been fighting off the crud that’s going around and stayed home sick from work today, but had planned to run with Tony in preparation for the Jingle Bell Run Wednesday. Plus, if I didn’t run, I’d feel guilty. But if I did run, I might make myself feel worse.

So Tony suggested we go for a walk instead, and we decided to walk through Highland Park and look at the Christmas lights. We wandered around a little, and the next thing you know we’re giggling as horse-drawn carriages go by and we try to figure out whether that’s a reindeer or a dog (it was a moose) and I’m climbing into a wooden carousel for a photo op. We ended up walking back down to Eatzi’s to pick up dinner and by the time we got home we had gone 3.1 miles – the exact length of Wednesday’s run.

I have a lot of friends dealing with difficult things this holiday season. Family drama, health issues, court cases lost that should have been won. Most of you know I’m not one to talk about God or fate or karma, because honestly sometimes things are just crappy. But our holiday walk tonight reminded me that even when things don’t go the way you planned, they can still turn out all right. Happy holidays, y’all.

Half-marathon training
Week eighteen, day two

Finally cold enough to wear my jacket and long running pants/tights. Wow, nothing makes you feel more like a real runner than a pair of tights! LOL! I left my gloves and ear warmer/headband in my car though – it wasn’t that cold. Four miles on the trail, 3 by myself and caught up with Ryan and Teresa for one mile in the middle and got to hear about their successful race last weekend. It was all good, except…

My right calf is driving me nuts! Both of my calves have been like rocks for the last couple of weeks on and off but tonight my right calf wouldn’t loosen up at all. I’ve been trying to be extra good about stretching but it doesn’t seem to help. Any of my running friends have any ideas? Should I walk around more during the day and try to keep it loose? Take some electrolytes, vitamins, eat bananas? Do different stretching (I’ve just been doing the “runner’s stretch” and hanging my heels off a step)? Help!

Half-marathon training
Week eighteen, day one

Man, did the day get away from me today. I meant to do my two miles outside at lunch but I left the office too late to fit it in. So I went after work figuring I’d be home by six, but worked late and by the time I got to and from the gym, it was 7 before I walked in the door.

Not to mention that Christmas is in 15 days! We have our tree up, but no cards ordered let alone mailed, and I haven’t bought one gift yet. Time just flies by! I only have three weeks left to finish my fundraising and less than two to fill up our football squares, which will raise $400. In addition to the squares, I need $330 to meet my goal, and 7 more donors! I know some of you have said you intend to donate, so please go to my page when you get a chance or mail or give me a check to LLS – I’m so close to being a rock star for Angi! And even if you have already donated, please consider a football square or two; you could win Christmas money while making a charitable donation!

We’re so close…in both time and donations…and I know that with your help, I’ll not only be able to run the race but to raise the money I need as well!

Half-marathon training
Week seventeen, day four

Loop of the lake for 9 miles today. I knew it was going to be a small group and was prepared to run it by myself. Instead, Coach Joe, Karen (our team captain), Shorty and Mark showed up to run with me. They let me set the pace (which is kind of like letting your three year old set the GPS) and stayed with me the whole way. I really appreciated it and it turned into a good run.

The reason our group was so small is that the Dallas Marathon is tomorrow, and most of my teammates are running either the full or the half. I have to admit I was a little jealous. I feel like I’m pretty much ready to run my half, but I still have five weeks until race day. And it’s not like I can just sit home and stay ready; I’ve got to keep putting in the miles and stay on top of my eating and sleeping so I am even more ready. I’ve got to keep fundraising to meet my goal.

My thoughts always wander on the way home from the lake, and today I was thinking about Angi’s fiance, Joel. Joel and Angi had an amazing relationship, and no one could have loved her or cared for her while she was sick like Joel did. Sure, they had friends, and we offered emotional and other support when we could, but mostly it was Joel who handled the doctor’s visits and paperwork and emotional turmoil. It was Joel who quit his job and moved to Houston for six months to care for Angi full-time. It was Joel who had to make the arrangements when she passed.

What I was thinking about today was that Joel and Angi had good days and bad days during her treatment, but mostly, they just had . . . days. You know? Joel didn’t get to take a day off when his boss yelled at him or he had a headache or he was just emotionally spent. Caregiving is a full-time job, and the people who do it still have to take care of the bills and the pets and the house, all the while dealing with appointments and tests and treatments and a lot of waiting for all of those things to be done. Through it all, they just keep going. Day after day. Hour after hour.

Mile after mile. Step after step. If Joel could keep going, so can I.

Half-marathon training
Week seventeen, day three

There’s a Chinese proverb that says, “Do not fear going forward slowly; fear only to stand still.” Two miles this morning and I decided to do them on the track at the gym. After I was done, a trainer approached me and told me that he liked to work with new people (although he has seen me at the gym before, so I think he meant out-of-shape people). Seventeen weeks ago the suggestion that I needed help would have bothered me. Today I just told him no thanks. I may run slow, but I’m a runner and I have my training down!

I was also worried today about my fundraising. Even after we finish with the football squares, I’ll still be about $500 short of my goal and I’m not sure I’ll get there. And then one of my co-workers handed me a $10 contribution on the condition that I not sell her any more chocolate bars.

Yep, I may be going slow, but I’m still going! $490 and 9 donors to go!

Week seventeen, day two

Last night was four miles on the Katy trail with the Tuesday night crew, followed by a couple of beers with Shana, Ryan, Karen, Nate and Teresa at the Ice House. It’s hard to believe it’s been 17 weeks since I met all these great people, and it will be strange running without most of them this Saturday morning (the Metro PCS Dallas marathon and half are this Sunday).

Well, their season is coming to an end but I still have just under a month to finish my fundraising, so for all of you that have been meaning to donate, there’s no time like the present! I’m also asking for help once again to fill up our football squares for the Cowboys/Saints game. 

Half-marathon training
Week seventeen, day one

I finally made it out to the Nike outlet store to get some cold weather running gear (jacket and two pairs of pants) yesterday. Which seemed really ridiculous when I was running my two miles at 1 pm on the Katy Trail today, with 80 degree temperatures and the sun beating down on me!

But as every Game of Thrones fan knows, “winter is coming.” Which means that my race is coming up soon! I have less than one month to hit my final fundraising goal, so if you need a tax break or are looking for a charity to give to at Christmas, please keep my LLS fundraising in mind. We are running another football square for the Saints game on the 23rd also. I already have added three new donors, which means I only need 10 more to meet my goal of having 100 people donate to my cause! Thank you all for your support!